pre mature





Since Amanda passed away I really haven’t been able to post anymore.  Mainly because I have so many things and feelings on my mind that I wouldn’t even know where to begin.  Plus, this blog was about Amanda.  About her days and nights, her adventures, her disease, her struggles, her happiness, her personality and so much more that after she passed away I felt the purpose of this whole thing was gone.  I figured, who cares what I have to say anymore if it is not about Amanda.  But now that Amanda’s little sister is here I feel it is the perfect excuse to again share something happy with the people who read and followed Amanda (most people know Violeta is here, but maybe some don’t).

Back in April we travelled to NYC to do IVF/PGD to conceive an SMA free baby.  I remember being so worried about going away and leaving Amanda.  Everyone reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that Amanda was going to be well taken care of…I never doubted her care, I just worried as any parent with a child with SMA Type 1 would.  When I was in NYC Amanda got sick and a few days after I came back she died.  This is the reason why I don’t like it when people tell you that everything is going to be ok without any knowledge of the future; last time I heard those words my baby died!  I know people say it with the best of intentions, but I just will never hear those words and not think how untrue they are.

3 days after Amanda passed away it was confirmed that I was pregnant.  It was really hard to be happy and to grieve Amanda’s death at the same time…people would congratulate me and tell me sorry about Amanda.  It is just two things that should not go together.  At first I felt very guilty about being pregnant.  I felt I left Amanda to get pregnant and then she died…I spend 15 days of her short life trying to get pregnant with a healthy baby, and I did but I lost her.  With time I tried to forget all the guilty feelings I had about her death with some success.  I will always feel guilty if I think about it, but I also know that I did my best to take care and love her and had I known what was going to happen I would have never left her.

I think being pregnant right away did help us deal with Amanda’s loss; it gave us something to look forward to.  Something to keep my mind busy and be excited about.  When we knew it was a girl I wanted her to be exactly like Amanda.  Wishing this had me worried that I would be dissapointed if she wasn’t.  I also wondered how would I be able to love someone as much as I loved her.  But last Tuesday when Violeta was born all my fears about her went away.  I love her so much that I never want to leave her side.  I want to cuddle her, feed her, watch her sleep, sing to her….I guess someone has a new problem now! But what a great problem to have!  I do get sad that Amanda is not here to meet her little sister and that Violeta will never meet Amanda.  But we will make sure she knows about her and I will show her pictures and videos of her sister.  Missing Amanda will never get easier.  Sharing her pictures and life helps me keep her memory alive.

So, Violet was the perfect excuse to write another post and here she is! Btw, I think she does look a little bit like Amanda…either way, she is perfect!





No ping yet

  1. ElsyAlina says:

    I will take this is a the highlight not only for the day but for the month!
    Never doubt about God’s plan cus it is always perfect…we just always expect what we want while He gives us what we need.
    Congratulations and a world full of blessings for you and beautiful Violeta.

  2. Dayra de Fabrega says:

    Marce te felicito por compartir con todos nosotros estos sentimientos tan hermosos de todos los momentos que han pasado en este último año.
    que Dios y la Virgen los bendiga siempre y lleve este hermoso regalillo del cielo de la mano en la vida. Muchas bendiciones,

    Son una pareja ejemplar y llena de amor, Los queremos mucho

  3. Maripaz says:

    Felicidades Marcela! Que hermosa bendición. Me encantan sus cachetes! You’ve been blessed again and she is blessed to have you as parents. Un abrazo

  4. Carla says:

    Señores Cardoze…felicidades por Violeta…he seguido este blog y lo leo una y otra vez. Sus vidas son fuente de inspiración. El vacío de Amanda nada ni nadie lo podrá llenar siempre será su primogénita. Quizás a Violeta no la conoceremos como conocimos a Amanda pero estoy segura que será una niña feliz y crecerá rodeada de tanto amor!!! Dios los bendiga grandemente hoy y siempre.

  5. valeria says:

    Congratulations on your new baby.
    I’m so so happy for you.
    I kept coming here to see if you had written something new and finally today I’ve this and what a great news!!!!!

  6. Brandy Costello says:

    I just wanted to say OMG I had no idea!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I’m so happy for you guys, and Amanda will always watch over her baby sister, you know that! I was in tears reading your words of pain and of happiness. God continue to bless you, she is just as beautiful as Amanda!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

* Copy this password:

* Type or paste password here:

2,542 Spam Comments Blocked so far by Spam Free Wordpress

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>